The Flooding of God Over Me

I have not written on this blog in a long time and that's because of a few reasons. One, is that I have so much going on in my mind and my heart that I don't know how to put it all down.  Two, I really haven't had much time to do this type of writing, between journaling and ministry and life.  Seriously, we have found that, if possible, we could do ministry 24/7.  There is so much opportunity!  And finally, I know when I write on this blog it is mainly for me.  I know everyone has a busy life and so many things compete for our attention.  So when I write on this blog, I guess it is pretty much for me to have a log every once in a while to look back on, but I sure am encouraged whenever anyone wants to read what I have written.

I know this morning, my spirit wants to boast of God!  In fact, I should get in the habit of daily taking the time to just write down what I have heard from God and what I see Him doing.  I hope I can begin to get into this discipline.  It will be a lot of writing though, because anymore I see Him doing so much! Where in the world to begin??  How do I condense all I have in my heart from Him to just this small space?  Well, I will try my best.  "Lord, please give me your words to convey how amazing you are in what I have seen you do, recently."

Let me preface by saying that this year, God has shared with me to mainly stick to reading and studying and meditating on His Word.  I still read (cause I absolutely love it!), but minimally for now.  Also, He has worked in me the desire to ask and believe Him for great faith in Him! To really believe what He promises and what He is able to do!  He has also taught me to look at my life from His perspective, to live according to what His Word says why He created me.  To surrender my day each morning to Him and ask for His plans for the day.  Then to be sensitive to what I have asked Him for. I want to outlive my life!  I want to share the good news of Jesus' desire to save!  The best news on the planet!  I want to make disciples!  I want to live for what He created me to be!  I want to be used, to be spent for the gospel!  I want to see Him move mightily!  I want to see Him do miracles to bring Him honor to Himself!

I have been in awe and adoration of what I have seen Him do this past year!  As we have prayed for God to show us who He is drawing to Himself, He has shown us some.  Yesterday, we got to listen to two testimonies of two Chinese visiting scholars and how God drew them to Himself in America.  They had had seeds planted about ten years ago by ELIC teachers in China and along the way, and now they get to go back to China as followers of Jesus!  Excited about sharing the Truth with others around them!  They intend to be very pro active, as they have been discipled and are ready to serve God in China!  In the last month, we have seen many new Chinese come to church.  As we prayed and asked God to direct our steps to more Chinese relationships, He directed us to go to a small house church that's very international and strong in missional living.  How cool is that?  It's been SO good for us to be a part of this strong body, and a great way for all of us to build relationships with intention.  We all realize that we have windows of time, as most of these Chinese and other internationals are only here for a year.

So how can I find the adequate words to convey all that I have been honored to see God do in me and around me this last year?  I can't, but I will do my best...again.  I can't believe that God had this plan for my life!  I can't believe that I get to each day talk to and listen to God!  I can't believe that I get to see Him move in miraculous ways!  I can't believe that He has worked an increasing desire in me to do this work for Him!  I can't believe how He has grown my faith in Him!  God's Word says, "with man it is impossible, but with God ALL things are possible."  I believe this!  I finally believe this!  Even in all of the challenges that doing full time missions has, I am humbled, honored and grateful that I get to do this in the life that God gave to me!  He is way beyond worth it!

The Goodness of the Lord

I found this drawing and it spoke so sweetly to my soul.  It's because it expresses all that I have been feeling lately in my love relationship with my sweet Savior.

I have never been so much in love with Him and hungered for His presence more.  

He has brought me to this place and I am filled with great JOY and GRATITUDE!

He is faithful and has held me close as I have navigated through several tribulations this past year.  I've felt His great love and compassion as He has gently lead me through the wilderness.     

He's taught me to know that my natural slide into bitterness and anger could be caught by His rescuing hand of grace, then transformed into a state of mind that could only come from Him.  He's reminded me that sometimes He allows me to come face-to-face with an experience that could potentially breed bitterness, just so I can see His ability to work miracles in the way I feel.  He chose to do this with His Word in Isaiah, "You keep Him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You."  As the Holy Spirit continued to bring this Truth to my mind, I have repeatedly prayed it over myself.  How miraculous it is to me that God's Word is living and true and it has transformed me!  I do have perfect peace when my mind is fixed on Him.

So, now when I am standing as the children of Israel, my feet planted in a place I don't really want to be....camping out in a location I'd rather be seeing in my rearview mirror, I will not waste what God is developing in me in the wilderness.  I will stay put until I am living a fully committed life with Jesus, and it is what I want more than anything.   I will camp there and I will look up and see Him in all His splendor and glory.  Being wonderfully astounded again and again at His goodness, His power, and His Holiness.  And I will remember that I am His child, I am holy and I am loved by Him! And someday soon, I am hopeful that He will take my face tenderly in His hands, just like the drawing... it's my greatest longing!

What do you think of, when you hear the word miracle?  The first thought I have, is God. In my heart and mind, God is the creator of genuine miracles.  Recently, in my life, I have been asking Him for a miracle.  Professing my love for Him and my desire to see Him move! Well, yesterday, He answered that yearning! Right before my eyes, I watched Him perform a miracle!  Let me tell you about it. 

Two months ago, we went to a picnic with other campus missionaries and a bunch of students. We all met together at the amphitheater park in Cary for their Fourth of July celebration.  Two Chinese visiting scholars sat near Glenn and I and instantly, God gave us friendship.  

After that picnic, our team had another picnic at a nearby lake and invited about 20 Chinese friends. Only one of these two young woman joined us with the others. It was a wonderful day of fun and fellowship and it was at that picnic that Jia Rei asked us if she could go with us to church the next day.  

She went with us, and afterwards we had lunch together. We talked about the message we had heard, and our families and then we asked her if she had any spiritual beliefs. She said she hadn't, that her mother was muslim and her father was nothing. She met us at church the following Sunday and was intently listening to the message.  As we walked to the car, the Holy Spirit prompted me to ask her if anyone had ever explained Christianity to her.  She said "no" and she said that she wanted to know. So we asked her if she would like to do a Bible study and get her questions answered, and she said "yes". The following week, she came to our home and we began the six week study that we brought back from China. It was created by one of our fellow workers in our organization and it is written in both English and Chinese.

As we began sharing with her, we felt that she was curious. Knowing she had only a month before she returned home, we asked God to help us finish this study well with her in the short time that we had to complete it.  He did and when she came to our home yesterday, for some reason because she was late and she was leaving the following day...we just figured in our finite mind that we would finish it the best we could and they would be seeds planted and she would leave.  But, God of course had other plans.  He had been working in this young woman's heart more that we knew and when we finished and asked her if she could believe this...she smiled and said "yes". We were surprised!  I asked her if before she came to America, she had been curious and wondering about God and she said "yes" again. She had a huge smile on her face and we knew that God had certainly been drawing her to himself!  Glenn then asked her if she wanted to pray and confess her sinfulness to God and receive Him as Savior, and she said "yes". Not only that though, she said that she was thinking about how she could ask us to do this and become a Christian!  We were blown away by what God had been doing and was doing in this young woman.  How He knew that He would use us when we met her just two months before.  How He let us be a part of His salvation plan for Jia Rei!  We were so moved, so thankful, so humbled!

Please pray for her! Please pray that as we attempt to get her connected to some of our mature believing Chinese friends in Beijing. God has a plan for her, and naturally we wanted to have more time to disciple her.  But this was God's plan and He brought her to this point and He will continue to carry out His plan for her.  She is excited and she understands, as she refers to herself as a "baby Christian.  She is a mother and a wife, so her desire is that her husband and her son also become Christians. She left today with two Bibles, one from our team mate that is bilingual and a small purse sized one in Chinese only. We also gave her a picture Bible to read to her son.  

I am so thankful to God! We have been praying to bear fruit as we abide in Him and also I have been praying habitually for a miracle! I have had this great hunger to see God move in a mighty way that only He can! I have wanted more of Him as never before! He graciously gave us both and He knows how encouraged we are to continue on.  

Thank you, most precious Father.  The One and Only miracle-worker!

God as Redeemer: Replacing Loss with Something Only He Can Give

Have you discovered that God wants to redeem things that you never dreamed possible?

Well, I have embarked on that discovery and I believe it is one of the most beautiful and

touching things about God.  I am understanding that this is nothing less than solid

evidence of His love for me, so it changes my perspective of things I believe I

had lost.  I also believe, knowing the character and faithfulness of God, that I will see

possibilities in my life like never before.

Time and again in His Word God shows His redemption.  And because He has already

redeemed the most important things in my life.  He has redeemed me from hell, from second

death, from condemnation, from sin. His words cause me to be expectant and hopeful about

what God can do in situations of extreme loss.

In Isaiah, He asks, "Is My hand shorted that it cannot redeem?"  And in the book of

Jeremiah, He says, "I will deliver you from the hand of the wicked and I will redeem

you from the grip of the terrible".  So I know that no matter what has been lost or

stolen in my life, God will restore it in some way.    In Psalm 34, God tells me that

He redeems the soul of His servants.  Of course it's always in His time and His way,

but I know that there will come a point when I no longer feel the pain of certain losses.

The Lord has shown me lovingkindness and tender mercies.  In all things, I worship Him

as my God and my Savior, my Protector and my Deliverer and my Redeemer! His praise is

always on my lips no matter what the circumstances, because He has graciously showed me

that He alone knows how to repair and rebuild no matter how much damage has occurred.

I am confident that I will never experience any loss so great that He cannot restore or redeem

it in some way.

Lord, thank you for loving me so great that You desire to restore my life in every way.

Redeem me and revive me according to Your Word. (Psalm 119:154).  Draw near to my

soul, and redeem it.  (Psalm 69:18)  Redeem me and be merciful to me.  (Psalm 26:11)

Thank you for all the redemption You have already worked in my life, please continue

to redeem my life in ways I never dreamed possible. I proclaim that You alone, God, are

the God of Impossibilities!  You are Faithful.

Useful in His Hands

1 Peter 4 says that Christ suffered "according to the will of God".  For me, it's predominately the last 2 years that I've been able to better understand what God is after in His dealings with me, in my sufferings.  Of course, at the time of what God was putting me through, I had no understanding of what God was doing and why He was allowing it.  Do we ever?  It has only been by His grace and my chasing after Him in chunks of solidarity....craving His voice... that I am able to know and understand why He has allowed certain suffering in my life.  God has strengthened me as no other time in my life.  He has supernaturally transformed me to more intentionally live for Him.  He has made known His Lordship over my life and what His desires are for me and He has loved me so sweetly.

Hoping each day that I live with His divine perspective planted in my heart.  I am basking in His love for me that He would do this in my life.  I am so thankful that I am on the other side of those sufferings in some sense.  I am so thankful that He chose me to be His bond-servant. it's the only true way to really live! Containing His Joy and having the honor of reflecting Him!  He has taught me how to live with contentedness where I am... to view this life as saints that have gone before me and carrying a quiet longing for Him as I journey nearer to that time.  I really DO love my Savior with all of my heart, mind and strength and I will serve Him all the days of my life.  How could I not?  He has given me peace that surpasses all understanding.

I WANT RENEWED

I want God to deliver me!  I want to be renewed this year.  I want God to change my emotions, attitudes, and patterns of thought.  I want Him to take all of the pain endured the last couple of years and turn them into beautiful praise for Him!  I want Him to pour out His Spirit upon me and make my heart open to receive all He has for me.  I want Him to make my mind clear so I can better understand His Word.  I am humbly asking Him to refresh, enrich, enlighten, free, fulfill, and HEAL me.  That He will breathe life into the dead areas of my existence.  That He will infuse me with His power and His JOY!  I am asking Him to fill my empty places, liberate me from bondage, take away my fears and doubts, grow my faith, and give me the pearl of great price: PEACE.

For now, I am praising and worshipping Him, no petitions, just that He would do a mighty work in me!  Simply  basking in His love and tenderness for me.  My heart wants to express my utter dependence on Him, my total submission to Him.   David spoke of praising God constantly.  He said, "I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth." Psalm 34:1.  I want to do this, I want this great blessing.  I want to really seek the LORD my God, and I am told in His Word that if I seek Him with all my heart and with all of my soul I will find Him.  I want this!  My spirit is longing for Him in a new way! John 4:23 tells me, "The hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him".  He wants to reveal Himself, His glory, and His power to those who look to Him.  What a treasure, I want this treasure!  My heart and my spirit are longing for Him to fill it.

I am asking God to revive me, to ignite my God-given passion for HIM!  I want Him to be my focus and experience His love so abundantly!  When I am praising God, the tornados of life will still swirl around me, but I believe that I will see God move on my behalf.  I understand the hidden power of praise.  It's not me saying, "I'll give it everything I've got, and the Lord will bless it," but rather it's the Lord saying, "You just bless My name, and I'll give it everything I have."  It's His character.  He wants my love and my worship and praise, oh He deserves this and so much more.  In only Praise and Worship of Him, this is my dwelling place for now.  I want His kindling afresh and His JOY overflowing!  "As the deer panteth after water, so my soul panteth after You!

 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.

 I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”   Psalm 91:1-2

Sometimes a Song Says It Perfectly!

This beautiful song by Big Daddy Weave,
Every time I listen,
I am singing these very words.
To set the tone for future blogging, I think this is fitting.
Because,  I "Could Not Have Said Any Better."

If I told you my story
You would hear Hope that wouldn't let go
And if I told you my story
You would hear Love that never gave up
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life, but it wasn't mine

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

If I told you my story
You would hear victory over the enemy
And if I told you my story
You would hear freedom that was won for me
And if I told you my story
You would hear Life overcome the grave

If I should speak then let it be
Of the grace that is greater than all my sin
Of when justice was served and where mercy wins
Of the kindness of Jesus that draws me in
Oh to tell you my story is to tell of Him

This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long
This is my story, this is my song
Praising my savior all the day long

Living in These Truths!

He calls you beloved (Romans 9:25).You are his treasured possession (Deuteronomy 7:6).You are His child (John 1:12, Romans 8:17).You are free (Galatians 5:1).You have been redeemed (Ephesians 1:7).You have been and will be restored (1 Peter 5:10, Colossians 1:13-14).You have been and can be forgiven (Hebrews 10:17, 1 John 1:9).

I am FREE and living to only PLEASE HIM!

How Do I Describe the Last Two Years?

If anyone would ask me to describe the last two years in China, I would have to say something like: God literally took my life and shook it up!  When I think about it, it's still so shocking to me.  He used my obedience in ways I would've never dreamed and He changed me more than I thought possible.  While we were preparing to move I didn't even think about being changed, really.  When you serve cross-culturally, I don't believe most people even think about what God is going to do to them.  I didn't. And I'm happy I didn't know what was coming, I would have been scared to go. He knew that though.  He also knew that His Mighty Strength would be enough for me in my weakness.  

I still cannot believe what He let me be a part of!  It was extremely hard at times with many struggles, but what I received is way more than I would have ever thought or imagined.  It was because of obedience.  It was because He knows what's best for me,  I don't.  We think we do, but we don't.

If Glenn and I would have said, no, we would have missed some of the biggest blessings of our life!  Making life-long relationships with Chinese students, sharing the "greatest news" with some, getting to be in the classroom with them each week doing our best to teach them our language, living life with them on campus, worshipping with some, celebrating with them in their accomplishments, listening to their hearts.... And in all of this, becoming changed more for Him!  We LOVE Chinese students so much and in the years to come we look forward to building relationships with more Chinese on campuses, continuing communication with all of our Chinese friends still in their homeland, ministering to our Chinese friends that have come abroad and sharing with many how the hardest thing that God asks you to do will actually bless your socks off!  You won't believe what He will do with your "yes"!

Something Beautiful I Have to Share.

O LORD,

I marvel that thou shouldst become incarnate,   be crucified, dead, and buried.The sepulchre calls forth my adoring wonder, for it is empty and thou art risen; the four-fold gospel attests it, the living witnesses prove it, my heart’s experience knows it.Give me to die with thee that I may rise to new life, for I wish to be as dead and buried   to sin, to selfishness, to the world; that I might not hear the voice of the charmer,   and might be delivered from his lusts.O Lord, there is much ill about me — crucify it, much flesh within me — mortify it.Purge me from selfishness, the fear of man, the love of approbation, the shame of being thought old-fashioned, the desire to be cultivated or modern.Let me reckon my old life dead   because of crucifixion, and never feed it as a living thing.Grant me to stand with my dying Saviour, to be content to be rejected, to be willing to take up unpopular truths, and to hold fast despised teachings until death.Help me to be resolute and Christ-contained.Never let me wander from the path of obedience to thy will.Strengthen me for the battles ahead.Give me courage for all the trials, and grace for all the joys.Help me to be a holy, happy person, free from every wrong desire, from everything contrary to thy mind.Grant me more and more of the resurrection life: may it rule me, may I walk in its power, and be strengthened through its influence.

- “Crucifixion and Resurrection” from The Valley of Vision

Hey Soul

I don't know if anyone reads, Ann Voskamp's "Hey Soul" posts, but I love them.  They speak to my soul and today I am going to talk to my soul here, using her template.  

(The human soul is central to the personhood of a human being. As C. S. Lewis said, “You don’t have a soul. You are a Soul. You have a body.” In other words, personhood is not based on having a body. A soul is what is required. Repeatedly in the Bible, people are referred to as “souls” (Exodus 31:14;Proverbs 11:30), especially in contexts that focus on the value of human life and personhood or on the concept of a “whole being” (Psalm 16:9-10;Ezekiel 18:4;Acts 2:41;Revelation 18:13).)

Hey Soul,
You have had a bittersweet year, but I guess that's normal in this broken world.
You have had countless joys from the Father, nevertheless, I know the pain 
you have endured at different times has been excruciating to you. 
I have felt it.
Making me at times, feel like I could just fall apart.
Instead, through these painful times, the Father is teaching me how to 
take better care of you, my soul.

He has urged me, this year, to give me more of what I need.  

To better care for a part of me that will live forever.

It's my intention, this year, to nourish you all the more with Father's 
truth in a more superior way. 

Through each day, I will be still at times when sensing you need more of Him-
to bring us His Peace.  

And at night, when I lie down, with my heart I will ask Him to
prepare us for another tomorrow and to give us His strength 
for what's ahead.

Soul, I need you to be more filled with His Truth.  
I will be more purposeful with my part in it.

And the LORD God formed man [of] the dust of the ground, and 
breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.  
Gen. 2:7

If you want me to...

This beautiful song is by Ginny Owens and it spoke to my heart today.


The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons why you brought me here.
But just because you love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You’re not through with me yet.
So if all of these trials that bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if you want me to.

And it may not be the way I would've chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear you answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering that your love put you through
And I will go through the valley if you want me to.


I recommend listening to it on you tube :)


all for HIM!

my sanctuary

This picture is my focus...
It's where I have journeyed to...
It brings me things of Him...
The Peace, the Faith, the Hope that only He can give me...

I am not focusing on what's around me...
I TRUST HIS FAITHFULNESS!
I am not concerning my self with tomorrow...
I TRUST HIS FAITHFULNESS!
I don't want my will...
I TRUST HIS FAITHFULNESS!

I want to stay hidden in Him...
I want all He has to offer me...
I want to resist temptation...

I simply want to rest in His arms.

While I'm Waiting

I love it when certain songs at key times in my life really resonate with what I am enduring.  It plays, I listen and say in my heart, "yea that's how I feel."  While I'm Waiting is the song for my heart and soul right now.

I am waiting,

I am waiting on you Lord

And I am Hopeful

(standing on Hope!)

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

(so painful like I've never known)

But patiently, I will wait.

I will move ahead, bold and confident

(In Your strength, I will move ahead)

Taking every step in obedience

(it's the way I can move ahead)

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

(I want to serve You, Lord)

While I'm waiting

I will worship

(Everyday, I will worship and adore You)

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

(You, O Lord, will give me strength I need)

I'll be running the race

(Provide me with unending courage!)

Even while I wait

(It will all be worth it!)

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

(My obedience gives me peace)

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

(Only You give me the ability to wait)

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

(You have made it clear to me, to wait)

I will serve You while I'm waiting

(You provide me with fortitude I need)

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will SERVE You while I'm waiting

I will WORSHIP while I'm waiting

I WILL SERVE YOU WHILE I'M WAITING

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Like Peter

To me, it's the most wonderful time of the year!  The Spring season is a season of newness all around in Father's creation.  It's a celebration of the winter being behind me and looking forward to the trees and flowers blooming and the season of Easter and hope.  As I have been reading and thinking about the events that led up to The Son's crucifixion, I've decided to look at Peter with more focus.

We all know Peter's story, denying his Friend three times before the rooster crowed.  I used to think, how could he do that?  How could he betray the One he followed?   How could he deny his friend, the one that he claimed over and over again to love.  As I've grown older, I realize that I probably would've done the same.  It would have been my first response, I'm sure.  If I think about it, when I am fearful and don't think about what I am going to say it's usually something that I'll regret.  He was human and that's probably what happened, since he was fearful.  

Just like Peter, we live in those few moments between the rooster's first crow..worldliness, getting by, provision, familiarity...and the second crow of shame, realization, loss, despair and weeping.  After the first crow, it's an opportunity to turn around and change my course.  But after the second crow, well that one is the realization of truth and remorse usually follows.

I can learn a lot from Peter, but what I am learning this season is that I don't want to continue with the shame, realization, loss, despair and weeping as much as in my past.  I want to gain wisdom from this story.  I want to be prepared and less fearful, so that I will be well equipped when the second crow comes.  I want to remember and be encouraged that 106 times the word, wait, is used in The Word, for perfect reason.  I want to wait and then respond, so I can hang my head in shame...less.

Living in Beijing

Today, before class, we invited our neighbors for lunch.  Our neighbors are a German teacher who has a Chinese wife and a young lady from Spain.  As we enjoyed lunch and conversation together, it dawned on me that this is a benefit of living here.  We get to share meals with foreigners from other countries and share about our culture and our experiences here in China.  So I think I will share with you, first, the positives of living here for this season.  

Most Chinese people like foreigners, especially if you are kind and respectful to them.  Many of them think to do little extras for us and it makes us smile.  Just yesterday, Glenn and I went to a dining hall on campus to have lunch after class. We were sitting there eating lunch and a lady worker there saw that we were eating a rice dish with chopsticks and went and got us each a spoon.  When we go into our market on campus to our vegetable and fruit people, they love to throw in little freebies for us to enjoy.  Right now it seems to be cherry tomatoes.

Rather than bore you with all the details, I will just list some other benefits and if you have questions you can email me.  Cheap public transportation that includes buses galore, big subway system and cheap taxis.  Lots of vegetables and fruits everywhere.  Students always encouraging us that we should take a nap everyday.  Impromptu visits when someone wants to see you.  A culture that is so relational. Lots of good food available.  Hot pot. Lots of free tea to be had. Respectful students with lots of smiling faces.  Cheap cell phone plans.  Chinese love to bring fruit as a gift, just this week we were given watermelon and a bag of cherry tomatoes.  Two places on either side of our campus to get good coffee.  Seven very cheap dining halls and five restaurants right on campus.  Most students like to play badminton.  And best of all:  talking of the son is as easy as discussing the weather :)

Next time I'll share some, not so positive things, cause we know everywhere has them!  

Joy Restored

It's been four months since I've been on this blog, and it's not that I didn't have anything to write,  but I didn't know what to write.   With so many things swirling around in my head, I just couldn't get them to the keyboard, maybe that's why it's called, "writer's block."  The fact is that I have been "in school" with the Father learning some pretty intense lessons these previous months and I have felt my mind was swimming and that's all it could do.  Too tired, too mentally exhausted, too wiped out after all the "swimming" brain activity, and not enough energy left to sit and write.  I am finally at peace now, my mind is at rest and my joy is restored.

Since coming to Beijing, I have been stretched beyond anything I expected!  It's been so hard and so painful.  But I have been privileged to know my Father in ways that I don't think I would've otherwise.  He has given me abundant strength and sustained me in the days that all I could do was go through the motions.  He has forgiven me, when in the beginning months I desired to be disobedient to His calling for me.  He has used me, even in my weaknesses.  He has healed me of pain and much grieving.  He has given me a new song.  Best of all He is so much more to me.  I trust Him in such a deeper way and my love for Him is newer!  I am thankful for what the Father has brought me through, because I am different.  I am more of who He has designed me to be.

Looking back, Father's showed me how I have had tendencies related to Lot's wife, Jeremiah the prophet and Job. I never thought of relating to any of these people, especially Lot's wife, until Father showed me that in one way I was doing exactly what she did that turned her into salt.  She became cold, careless and disobedient.  She couldn't fully let go of what she was to leave behind.  I struggled with this.  Along with my feelings of grieving the past of what I left behind and the homesickness, conformity and compromise began to crowd in.  My faith that I thought was so strong began to erode.  I was beginning to move towards having a divided heart and from that came a lot of grief.  Enter, Jeremiah, the weeping part of Jeremiah.  I don't think I was ever able to fully understand "weeping" until I was the one doing this.  I felt so much loss, such a longing for what was behind me, but most of all such a deep sadness over my sin of my divided heart.  My spirit was in a state of anguish and I could barely stand myself.  As for the Job part, that was some understanding of his "ashes".  When Job sat among the ashes He began to see and repented.  Thankfully, Father showed me how to do the same.  As I sat among the dust and ashes, my Father was able to get me to focus only on Him.  He reminded me of His power, His sovereignty,  His strength in me.  As I was finally taking His strength, I knew it was the end of the path of this destructive storm I had been in.  He restored my joy in Him and pulled me from the ashes and I am rejoicing!

There is such beauty now in my newfound love relationship with Him.  The old way of thinking has disappeared.  There is absolutely nothing that I can add or take away to make His plan any greater, so I have humbly submitted my heart to His plan for me.  I am not questioning His purpose or looking back and wishing things were as before.  I am able to thank Him for blessing upon blessing in the past seasons of my life, and I am praising Him for this present season of blessing!  All the twists and turns threw me off balance and caused such painful stretching, but in the end I am able to embrace His will and proclaim that He is the Hero of this story!  HE IS FAITHFUL!