I still can't say enough For what You've done for me With this limited vocabulary All I wanna do is let You know that You You had the heart to change the heart of me You took me to a love I never knew On and on and on I go With limited descriptive prose And I give up 'cause I've said it all before
I used some of the lyrics to Ben Glover's "26 Letters" to precede this post because I feel that my amazement of God is always leaving me speechless. I cannot come up mere words that come close to describing who God is to me.....so I won't. I will have to suffice to share what He did in my life yesterday.
I woke up in the morning totally BLUE. A matter of self-pity dragging myself through the day. Battling with thoughts as I prepared for work in the morning, as I worked at my job, as I toiled around the house in the afternoon, as I drove to prayer in the evening, as I prayed, and as I was returning home. Then GOD rescued me! I shared with my dear husband, who is so wonderful with me, how I have been struggling so much and he prayed over me and held me close. I began to slowly feel distanced from my self-pity and I knew it was God's rescuing me. He was not finished with me in this yet and the day had not ended. A dear friend had given me the book "66 Love Letters" at prayer that night to read and Glenn and I read a chapter before bed. Glenn suggested we read the chapter on Joshua and, should I be surprised, it was the final way, that day, that God will let me know how much He cares for me. It blew us away!
You see one of the ways that I struggle most in my life is to not be near my children and my granddaughter. The evil one knows this and I have endured many battles in my mind on this subject. Why did this happen? Why, when Glenn and I wanted more children and God closed the door - are the ones we have, so far away? Why do others have their children nearby and their grandchildren near them and I can only see mine a few times a year? These and other questions have swarmed around in my mind many countless times and at the end of it, I am down for the count.
Well, last night, my GREAT GOD and LOVER of my soul spoke to me in a sweet way that literally found me speechless with joy! In the chapter of Joshua, God reminded me that loving Him and being faithful to His plan requires HATING EVERYTHING IN ME that is opposed to Him, everything about me that wants someone or something besides JESUS to have first place in my life. He reminded me that as I move toward Him, it will involve exhausting battle and humbling failure.
My worst enemy is in me. My tendency is to want what I want, MORE than what God wants and to think that it is okay with Him. It isn't. A spirit of entitlement and jealousy will plague me until I leave this world. I need discernment to identify it, recognize it as wrong, and know how to navigate my way through it. So I have begun this part of my journey and today is a better day. I am not foolish enough to believe that it will never occur again...but my hope is that in God's strength, I will overcome this more than I will be defeated. I am asking God to help me better understand this battle I need to fight within me and how to go about fighting it. My desire is that HE WILL BE VICTORIOUS in me, as I humbly submit to HIS plan for my life.